The First Junkie Ninja Monologue

Present Day, Hospital Waiting Room - Blue Skelton is reflecting on the imminent birth of his first child.





Blue Skelton: Long ago, I decided that I should never have children. I knew that it was better that I did not reproduce. For If I was to put my foul seed in some poor unfortunate female, she would probably give birth to the first Junkie Ninja that this world has ever seen.


I wouldn’t teach my children the important things in life. I would teach them how to do cool things like Wushu Kung Fu, smoking pot, and killing with pressure points.


I would name my child Ping if she was a girl and I would have one Ping only. Please God, just one Ping only. If he were a boy, I would name him Frisbee, and I would spin him around like a sleeping bag full of ninja stars.


I would feed them: cookies, steroids, and pepperoni pizza. I want my kids to have all of the finer things in life.


And when they grew older, I would have their Marine-Godfather teach them how to fire an M-16 and engage in Urban Combat. And when their training was complete, I would unleash them, with pride; into the world and watch all of you tremble in fear.


I should have had a vasectomy.


Authors Note: I don’t have any children and I will never have children so all of you can sleep more soundly knowing that. I wouldn’t teach my kids how to be junkies or ninjas, but I don’t think that I would be a very good father. This monologue just took those feelings to the extreme. The monologue was actually inspired by Dane Cook’s: “My Son Optimus Prime” which you can view below.